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Tuesday 20 November 2012

On Holy Indifference


Today's Gospel in the EF reminds us that those who sell all and follow Christ merit the Kingdom of God. However, it is not merely the choosing of the simple life, or the getting rid of distractions which allows for holiness to grow in the mind and heart and soul.

Getting rid of things, or "downsizing"is the first step. The second step is not to care or to give up preferences. For example, in the last two months,  I at what was given to me for breakfast, dinner and supper. Whether I liked the food or not was immaterial. When I dressed, I dressed simply, for cleaning or for Church. When I washed, it could be in cold water or water out of a kettle depending on the situation the superior decided for me. The room was not my room, but anyone's room and so on.

What this type of detachment brings is the awareness that I still wanted things or food or drink. Not having fresh veggies was not a problem for me, but not having fresh sheets after one week was. I was not detached.

Not having disinfectants or cleaning materials, as the nuns only use a cream cleaner and water, and only water on the floors, for example, caused my American hyper-cleanliness sensibilities to rebel, especially in the guest house. I bought disinfectants.

This is not detachment, nor is thinking of real coffee or even a glass of wine now and then. Desiring the things of the world is not indifference. Indifference for most of us must be pounded into the soul by days, weeks, months of habit. And, of course, with grace.

To be attached to anything distracts one from the love of God. I like to think of this in a physical way. If my heart is full of desires for people or things or places, then there is less room for God. And, as my heart is small to begin with, this creates a need for prayer.

For one year I have been praying for God to take my puny, little heart and give me His. This has been a process. Ask and you shall receive, but do not anticipate the means.